Sunday, December 28, 2003 - A Hangle is a cluster of coat hangers.The Idiolocator is the symbol on a mall or amusement park map representing “You Are Here.”Coburns are the tiny drops of Mr. Coffee that sizzle on the burner after the pot is removed.The Keyfruit is the one apple, pear, or tomato in the stand that, when removed, causes all the others to tumble forward.Loggium is the water that drips from one’s nose hours after swimming.Mulchmuffins are the dried accumulation of grass on the underside of lawn mowers.Neoice is any ice cube removed before its time that, upon close examination, resembles a carpenter’s level.Osteopornosis is a degenerate disease.Maypop is a bald tire.

Monday, December 29, 2003 - I dunno. 60 Minutes interviewed Michael Jackson last night. Little wonder his ranch is named “Neverland,” for he is a rich little lost boy. At best, Jackson is guilty of naïveté in the first degree, insisting that slumber parties with young boys is okay. Ed Bradley asked the questions I wanted to hear. Why did Jackson pay off that other family? His lawyer reminded us that the State had forced Jackson to be photographed, au naturel. His lawyer suggested the payoff was to stop the harassment and the humiliation. There were two McMartin Pre-School trials. The scant evidence was discredited. The financially ruined defendants were found not guilty, twice. History has since deemed it a witchhunt.
Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - Ever go into the paint store and ponder what shade of white to paint your breakfast nook? There’s Antique White, Floral White, Ghost White, Navajo White, Old Lace, Ivory, Linen, Seashell, Snow, and dozens more. No one uses white white anymore — except for teeth. I’m waiting for Marvel to design a new superhero who, by mere smiling, can blind a roomful of crooks. I’ve noted on TV that I’m now lured to the lighthouse flare of cosmetically bleached teeth instead of looking at a person’s eyes. If the eyes are the window to the soul, what are the teeth? The window screen to catch bugs and lettuce? Topic: should your teeth be brighter than the whites of your eyes? Discuss among yourselves.

Wednesday, December 31, 2003 - Here’s a fun prank to play on the nearest alpha male at your New Year’s Eve party. You say, “I bet you $5 you can’t name the two U.S. states that contain only one syllable.” You slap down a $5 on the table. The victim ponders it and declines. You say, “I bet you $10.” You take back your $5 and slap down a $10. The victim ponders it again and declines. You say, “I bet you $20.” You take back your $10 and slap down a $20. The victim wants your money. It is so tempting, but it must be a trick. You take your $20 back and say, offhandedly. “By the way, you would have won. Maine is the only state having one-syllable.” (The notion that a hunk of meat is good for a black eye is unfactual.)

Thursday, January 1, 2004 - Happy as a king, happy as a lark, happy as the day is long, happy as Larry, happy as a clam, happy as a sandboy, happy as a dog with two tails...

                                             ...Happy New Year!
Friday, January 2, 2004 - If you can’t watch Raider’s of the Lost Ark without seeing the cobra reflection* in the glass, then Movie Mistakes is for you. “In the scene where Mary Jane is being mugged by four men, Spider-Man throws two of the men crashing through the windows behind Mary Jane. Then the camera goes back to Spider-Man beating up the other two guys. When the camera goes back to Mary Jane, the two windows are intact. In The Matrix when Agent Smith is interrogating Neo and Smith seals Neo’s mouth shut and Neo backs into the corner, then the camera cuts back to Smith you can clearly see a reflection in his glasses of Neo still sitting down in the chair.” (*corrected in the DVD, they note.)

Saturday, January 3, 2004 - Arrggghhhh... no Double Feature! 21 Grams? I had my fill of Sean Penn chewing the scenery in Mystic River so I’m in no hurry for a repeat performance. Big Fish? Too risky. When Tim Burton’s good, he’s great, but when he’s bad, he’s wretched. Cheaper by the Dozen? I love Steve Martin as a comedian, yet I’m unconvinced I want to see twelve squealing children up on screen to add to the dozens running up and down the aisles of the audience. I couldn’t care less about the Civil War in Cold Mountain, housenapping in House of Sand and Fog, or counting the anachronisms in Mona Lisa Smile. I will see The Return of the King for a third time but not yet. I guess it’s The West Wing DVDs, the first season.