Sunday, January 4, 2004 - Dorothy Provine whines, “Oh Russell, I feel sick.” Milton Berle comforts, “Now take it easy honey, these things happen ya know.” Ethel Merman shrills, “Now what kind of an attitude is that? ‘These things happen.’ They only happen because this whole country is just full of people, who when these things happen, they just say ‘these things happen’, and that’s why they happen!”Terry Thomas orates, “I’ll wager you anything you like, if American women stopped wearing brassieres, your whole national economy would collapse overnight.”Eddie ‘Rochester’ sighs, “I said it before and I’ll say it again, I didn’t want to move to California!”“It’s under a big W, I tell ya. A big W.”

Monday, January 5, 2004 - The day after seeing the premiere of Return of the King, we decided, instead of watching the “making of LOTR” documentaries, we’d pop in my new DVD of Oliver! in glorious 2:35 widescreen and delirious Dolby sound. What a tremendous tour de force! This film glides effortlessly through the whimsy of Dickens’ London, breaks into song whenever it pleases, and with Bill Sikes played by Oliver Reed, plunges into dark drama at the drop of a hat. My friend hates Oliver! because it won 8 Oscars in 1969 and 2001: A Space Odyssey only won one. (Guess which?) Carol Reed was an unlikely choice for Oliver! as was Peter Jackson for LOTR yet both directors crafted unparalleled, unforgettable visions of cinematic fantasy.

Tuesday, January 6, 2004 - A Cleveland woman told police she picked the winning numbers for the $162 million Ohio Mega Millions lottery jackpot but lost the ticket in the parking lot outside the Quick Shop Food Mart. The Ohio Lottery confirmed that the winning ticket was sold at that location, east of Cleveland. After news of the police report spread, people with flashlights trudged through snow and braved frigid temperatures to search for the ticket. “If I find the ticket, I’m keeping the money,” said LaVerne Coleman, 57. An Ohio Lottery spokeswoman commented, “Whoever has the ticket has the right to stake the claim to the winning jackpot. You can file all the police reports you want but it’s not going to help.”

Wednesday, January 7, 2004 - A woman came forward with the winning $162 million Ohio Mega Millions lottery ticket Tuesday, remarking she was angered by the claim that another woman bought the ticket and lost it. The winner turned in the ticket at Ohio Lottery headquarters and it was validated as the sole winning ticket for the December 30th drawing. She also provided the receipt from the convenience store, marking the time the ticket was sold. “If the other woman filed a false police report,” said the Sheriff, “it is a misdemeanor punishable by 30 days to six months in jail and a $1,000 fine.” The winner took the immediate cash payment option, which is $94 million before taxes and an estimated $67.2 million after taxes. She and her husband said their only definite plan is to relocate. Who’s fooling who here?
Thursday, January 8, 2004 - From a CBS “News” Special Assignment broadcast: “My forehead furrows faded away!” says Valerie; “My skin felt thicker, fuller!” says Anthony; “I used to have lines around my eyes!” says Tara; “I look younger!” says Rose; “I look wonderful for 55 years old!” says Martha. Want to get rid of wrinkles, firm up your skin, and look years younger? All without knives or needles? “I apply an energy technique that regenerates the cells,” says Dr. Glenn Mendoza, M.D. who is erasing signs of aging using a crystal and the principles of Pranic Healing developed by Chinese energy master Choa Kok Sui, and applied them for cosmetic purposes. Curious how the before and after photos seemed more or less identical!
Friday, January 9, 2004 - A scientist developed a substance that could withstand extreme temperatures, synthesizing heat into energy. Because the chemical name was so long he simply called it “unobtanium,” joining the faux periodic table of upsadaisium, flubber, and cavorite.In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.A plateau is a high form of flattery.A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and ‘taint mine.The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.Acupuncture is a jab well done.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.The cow, unable to lactate, stood in udder disbelief.

Saturday, January 10, 2004 - “To portray prostitute Aileen Wuornos, pretty woman Charlize Theron gained weight, had her eyebrows plucked, wore dark contact lenses, crooked yellow teeth, and had a ruined-look applied to her complexion.” Giving Monster his top rating of four stars and deeming it the ‘Best Film of the Year,’ I’d say Roger Ebert owes me $9.50. Sitting through this ordeal is like having a cage with a rabid rat strapped to your face, however, I don’t mean to imply that this schlock contains anything of such lurid interest. This is yet another ‘inside the mind of homicidal trash’ flick like In Cold Blood or even Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. I’d rather hide my face in Ratzo Rizzo’s armpit, thank you.