Monday, January 12, 2004 - According to The New York Times, robots cannot conquer the world until they understand “um” or “uh,” the bugaboos of international speech-recognition programs. In Britain they say “uh” but spell it “er.” The French say something that sounds like “euh,” and Hebrew speakers say “ehhh.” Serbs and Croats say “ovay,” and the Turks say “mmmmm.” The Japanese say “eto” (eh-to) and “ano” (ah-no), the Spanish “este, and Mandarin speakers “neige” (NEH-guh) and “jiege” (JEH-guh). In Dutch and German you can say “uh,” “um,” “mmm.” In Norwegian, it’s “e,” “eh,” “m,” and “hm,” and in Swedish, it’s “eh,” “ah,” “aah,” “m,” “mm,” “hmm,” “ooh,” “a,” and “oh.” It was a slow news day, I guess.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004 - In the spirit of the golden empire, KGET reported a Kern County Sheriff’s patrol car with an official looking sticker on the side reading, “We’ll Kick Your Ass.” When contacted for an explanation, Sheriff Mack Wimbish told the reporter he didn’t have anything to do with it, but he found out who was responsible and had them reprimanded. However, when interviewed, Assistant Sheriff Mike Lafave said that, the week previous, the sheriff had been parading around the department, laughing and showing off a magazine with a photograph of the same gag. Department insiders describe Wimbish as the odd man out, just trying to fit in, with a little locker-room humor and cop-shop shenanigans.

Thursday, January 15, 2004 - During the spectacular battles in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, filmmakers faced an unexpected challenge. “We had 200,000 computerized soldiers assessing the environment around them, drawing on a repertoire of military moves,” tells special effects designer Richard Taylor, “each one determining how it will combat the enemy, step over the terrain, and deal with obstacles in front of it. Fighting in the thick of the battle had the spontaneous realism we hoped for, but along the edges of the battlefield, we noticed soldiers were turning tail and fleeing,” Taylor said. “We had to teach the computers to be brave enough to not run away.” Or dumb enough, depending on your point of view.