Sunday, January 18, 2004 - Dangling my participles like Michael Jackson dangles babies over balconies, my spell checker is of no use. “A present participle is a verb ending in -ing, and is called dangling when the subject of the -ing verb and the subject of the sentence do not agree. An example. Rushing to finish the paper, Bob’s printer broke. Here the subject is Bob’s printer, but the printer isn’t doing the rushing. This is better. While Bob was rushing to finish the paper, his printer broke. One way to tell whether the participle is dangling is to put the phrase with the participle right after the subject of the sentence. Bob’s printer, rushing to finish the paper, broke just doesn’t sound right.” So, my spell checker, dangling my...
Monday, January 19, 2004 - In an effort not to be recognized as spam by spam detectors, spammers now phrase their messages like this. “I finlaly was able to lsoe the wieght I have been sturggling to lose for years! And I couldn’t bileeve how simple it was! Amizang pacth makes you shed the ponuds! It’s Guanarteed to work or your menoy back!” I do believe the war on spam is leaning in our favor. Why? Because less and less people are responding to the spam. Why? Would you buy a product from someone who can’t spell? My logic may be fallacious, but my intentions are specious. Jules Renard agrees, “I am not sincere, even when I say I am not.” I wonder if this “Amizang pacth” is a nicotine patch? Scandalous, I say.
Tuesday, January 20, 2004 - I am told “if you want to keep the crusty old-timers happy, try to avoid ending written sentences with prepositions, such as to, with, from, at, and in. Instead of writing ‘The topics we want to write on,’ where the preposition on ends the clause, consider ‘The topics on which we want to write.’ On the other hand, don’t let it make your writing clumsy or obscure. If a sentence is more graceful with a final preposition, let it stand. A sentence becomes unnecessarily obscure when it’s filled with from whoms and with whiches. Winston Churchill, reprimanded for ending a sentence with a preposition, put it best, ‘This is the sort of thing up with which I will not put.’ We have much to be thankful for.”
Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - Ohnosecond is that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just pushed the ‘send’ button on an email with a BIG mistake.Blamestorming is sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or why a project failed, and who was responsible.Assmosis is the process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.Percussive Maintenance is the fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.Prairiedogging is when, after someone yells in an office of cubicles, then people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
Thursday, January 22, 2004 - A question to Cecil Adams of The Straight Dope. “Am I a moron for believing that ‘mole people’ exist in New York City’s underground? The Mole People, as documented in an eponymous 1993 book by Jennifer Toth, are homeless people who live in subway tunnels, sucking down electricity and other resources for free a la Ellison’s Invisible Man. What documentation is there?” Cecil replies “Can’t blame you for being skeptical. While one can be certain of nothing in this deceitful world, I’m reasonably satisfied that the events in her book, God help us, happened as she described them.” I remember the 1956 movie as a kid ‘cause of the monstrous makeup by Bud Westmore of Creature from the Black Lagoon fame.

Friday, January 23, 2004 - Two old friends visit the Natural History museum. As they walk toward the Tyrannosaurus Rex exhibit, one says to the other, “This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old”. The other is impressed. “How do you know such exact information?” The first replies, “I was here ten months ago, and the guide had told me that the dinosaur was two billion years old.”Later that day, the two friends visit a bank just before it closes and suddenly armed robbers burst in. The robbers take all the money from the tellers and then line up the customers, proceeding to take their wallets and other valuables. One friend stuffs something inside the other’s shirt pocket and says, “Here’s that $50 I owe you.”

Saturday, January 24, 2004 - The Crocodile Hunter has escaped the jaws of justice in Australia once and for all. According to authorities in Brisbane, Steve Irwin will not be charged for a zoo incident earlier this month where he fed a crocodile with his right hand while holding his 1-month-old son in his left. Australia’s workplace safety agency decided there’s not enough evidence to suggest any safety rules were broken. Irwin was reprimanded by an Australian family services agency, but took no further action against him. Police also didn’t file charges. Irwin has repeatedly denied that he put his child in danger. The incident took place at a Brisbane zoo and was televised, sparking public outrage.