Sunday, April 13, 2003 - Seniors carry old money. Grim Gus has serious money. The numbers two, four, six, eight have even money. Satan pays with hot money. Bowlers use pin money. Dracula keeps blood money, just in case. You can be in the money, on the money, or have money to burn. You can spend money like water, throw your money around, or have more money than sense. You can run for the money, take the money and run, or put your money where your mouth is. And if you’re not made of money, listen carefully, for money talks, but it doesn’t grow on trees. Woody Allen sez “Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”

Monday, April 14, 2003 - You can be a bad penny and drop a penny on a friend. Or, you can be a penny pincher and believe that a penny saved is a penny earned. Samuel Grafton observes “A penny will hide the biggest star in the Universe if you hold it close enough to your eye.” The same is true with your little toe, I’ve discovered. It is a reflection on the quality of my elementary school education that the idioms “in for a penny, in for a pound” and “penny wise, pound foolish” had me sorely perplexed — was there a correlation between copper and weight watching? To coin a phrase, Felix asks “A penny for your thoughts?” to which Oscar replies “A dollar for your death.” Sound fiscal planning courtesy of The Odd Couple.
Tuesday, April 15, 2003 - Where ignorance is bliss, ‘tis folly to be wise. Alec Bourne sez “It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated.” Douglas Adams sez “Human beings have the unique ability to learn from the experience of others, and are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” And Elizabeth Bowen sez “One can live in the shadow of an idea without ever grasping it.” One book claims there are seven kinds of smart — word smart, picture smart, music smart, body smart, logic smart, people smart, self smart, and Get Smart. Does a smart Alec wear smarty pants? Is one smart cookie smarter than the average bear? Or, as sharp as a tack? Or, as keen as mustard?

Wednesday, April 16, 2003 - Someone recently wrote me “Thank you for sending me a copy of your game. I’ll waste no time in playing it.” Hmmm. Cheeky devil. Robert Benchley poses “Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.” That being said, Mary Hirsch defines “Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.” Clive Jones observes “Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” And James Thurber explains “The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.” I can see why R. Benchley finds defining and analyzing humor, humorless.
Thursday, April 17, 2003 - “This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication,” read a Western Union internal memo in 1876. And, “The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys,” said Sir William Preece, chief engineer of the British Post Office, also in 1876. Are these genuine quotes? Or, do they fall into the category of “too good to be true” embellished quotes? Apparently Alexander Graham Bell had nothing quotable to say about his own invention, but he did say “When one door closes, another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.”
Friday, April 18, 2003 - Is this the Fool teaching an apple a lesson? Or is this Gollum eating a fish from The Two Towers? Regardless, it’s nigh well time to poke fun at my perpetual and interchangeable red and purple nightshirts again. There. That’s done. Check it off the list. Oscar Wilde supposes “Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.” Gilda Radner reveals “I base my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.” And Ayn Rand huffs “There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist.” Oh, and hipsters, Ayn rhymes with wine, dine, and porcupine.

Saturday, April 19, 2003 - Henny Youngman reveals “My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.” Not many quotes on ‘eyeglasses’, but a search for ‘vision’ added a prefix. “Television is democracy at its ugliest,” notes Paddy Chayefsky. Fred Allen adds “Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.” Orson Welles admits “I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can’t stop eating peanuts.” And Alfred Hitchcock deadpans “Television has brought murder back into the home where it belongs.” TV shows are often a cure for insomnia. The PBS series “Avoiding Armageddon” is a cure for sleep. I hope everyone’s taking notes out there. Sheesh.