Monday, April 28, 2003 - The only weapon that becomes sharper with constant use is the tongue. Emo Philips sighs “In singles bars, I go from stool to stool hoping to get lucky, but there’s never any gum under any of them.” Steven Wright admits “Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.” Bob Hope postulates “If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” Johnny Carson poses “If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” Jay Leno wonders “How come you never see a headline like Psychic Wins Lottery?” And Buckminster Fuller, “Sometimes I think we’re alone. Sometimes I think we’re not. In either case, the thought is staggering.”

Tuesday, April 29, 2003 - Said the dough to the pie filling “Here’s the crust of it.” George Bernard Shaw set forth “A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” Tallulah Bankhead swooned “If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.” Franklin P. Jones asserts “Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.” Oscar Wilde quips “Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.” And Napoleon Bonaparte sums it up with “Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”

Wednesday, April 30, 2003 - (1) My audition for the Blue Man Group was mostly imaginary. (2) The paint-by-numbers kit mislabeled the fleshtones. (3) How long does this clay mask take to dry? (4) What exactly do you mean by enamel? (5) The blueberry pie salesman was displeased by my offer. (6) I can sympathize with Gary Shandling who tells us “I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.” Oscar Wilde sniffs “Romance should never begin with sentiment. It should begin with science and end with a settlement.” And Marlene Dietrich explains “I love quotations because it is a joy to find one’s own thoughts so beautifully expressed by someone wiser than yourself.”