Sunday, May 4, 2003 - CARNIVOROUS CANARIES CRUNCH CHOCOLATE CALICO CATS. Word Play by Judi Wolinsky quotes Eddie Cantor, “Words fascinate me. They always have. For me, browsing in a dictionary is like being turned loose in a bank.” At Acronym Finder we learn that the acronym ASAP can mean Aerospace Safety Advisory Panel, or, Acquisitions Strategies And Plans, or, A Stupid Acting Person, or, Always Safe, Always Prepared, or, Always Stop And Pray, or, Automatic Switching And Processing, or, American Society for Action on Pain, or, As Soon As Possible, or, As Soon As Practical, or, As Stupid As Possible. All said and punctuated for your reading convenience.

Monday, May 5, 2003 - DELINQUENT DOGGIES DO DOUBLE DUTY, DAYDREAMING DAILY. According to Amanda’s Mnemonics Page, what do the sentences “Men very easily make jugs, serving useful nocturnal purposes” and “My very educated mother just served us nine pizzas” have in common? Here’s a third, “My very easy method, just set up nine planets.” On the other hand, “I am a person” is the four oceans: Indian, Arctic, Atlantic, Pacific; and “Sam’s horse must eat oats” is North America’s Great Lakes in order of size: Superior, Huron, Michigan, Erie, Ontario. Musically, “Every Good Boy Deserves Favor” or “Every Good Burger Deserves Fries.” To tune your guitar, try “Easter Bunnies Get Drunk At Easter.”

Tuesday, May 6, 2003 - On the final episode of MTV’s Battle of the Sexes, both teams study the Block by Block puzzle game. The women totally get it and the men totally do not. During the contest, the men gallop to their giant-sized Block by Block puzzle and are clueless. The women come from behind, solve their puzzle, and move into the lead. The men struggle. The women race for the big win. Then, one of the men runs over to the women’s completed puzzle, deconstructs it, and the men are now able to solve their puzzle. They dash ahead and win the contest! Foul play, I say. The host sheepishly tells the women they should’ve knocked over their finished solution before they left it. They should’ve knocked the host senseless!
Wednesday, May 7, 2003 - ENTHUSIASTIC EXERCISE ENTERTAINS EASTERN ENTREPRENEURS. Always searching for new ways to frighten children, I’m still seeing spots from putting the 100 watt desk lamp under my mug. A vague resemblance to Ian McKellen from the eyebrows down maybe? No? Perhaps I’ve Magneto on the brain from seeing The X-Men United. There’s this Cyclops character who has high tech Ray Bans over his sizzling eyeballs, and when he reaches his right hand to his forehead controls, he can modulate the blast of red energy to great effect... except when anyone, say, kicks his arm away from the forearm controls and down he goes. That is definitely a bug not a feature. Give the Devil code his due!

Thursday, May 8, 2003 - Scotch-o-grams are sound alikes — ‘sanctuary mulch’ sounds a lot like ‘thank you very much’. Supposely, scotch-o-grams were born of financial necessity, folks trying to save money on telegrams which charged by the word. At 2 words, ‘sanctuary mulch’ was half the price of ‘thank you very much’. Nowadays, they survive only to baffle. For answers, drag across the blank lines.
(1) WEED LICHEN ICE CHEST FOREARM OTHER DISGUISE DELIMIT
(2) BRUISES HURT ERASED AFFORD ERECTED TOO
(1) We’d like a nice chest for our mother; the sky’s the limit.
(2) Bruce is hurt. He raced a Ford. He wrecked it, too.

Friday, May 9, 2003 - Mondegreens are cousins to Scotch-o-grams in character but not in intent. Mondegreens are misheard phrases, usually from song lyrics. The last song on the Beatles Abby Road is often heard as “I imagine she’s a pretty nice girl” whereas the lyrics tell us “Her Majesty’s a pretty nice girl.” Jon Carroll reports “Gladly, the cross-eyed bear” from the hymn “Gladly The Cross I’d Bear” ; “There’s a bathroom on the right,” a mishearing of “There’s a bad moon on the rise” from Clearwater’s “Bad Moon Rising” ; and “Excuse me while I kiss this guy,” actually “Excuse me while I kiss the sky” from the Jimi Hendrix song “Purple Haze.” Hendrix, aware of being Mondegreened, would occasionally kiss a guy after saying that line.
Saturday, May 10, 2003 - FATHERS FILTHY FEET FONDLE FAYE’S FAVORITE FURNITURE. Ambrose Bierce defines a SAINT as “a dead sinner revised and edited.” He goes on to say that “The Duchess of Orleans relates that the irreverent old calumniator, Marshal Villeroi, who in his youth had known St. Francis de Sales, said, on hearing him called saint: “I am delighted to hear that Monsieur de Sales is a saint. He was fond of saying indelicate things, and used to cheat at cards. In other respects he was a perfect gentleman, though a fool.” Segal’s Law states “A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.”