Sunday, May 18, 2003 - LOQUACIOUS LIZARDS LECTURE LACONIC LAMEBRAINS. Of the three major “whoa” plot points of The Matrix Reloaded, I understood one of them at the time of the screening and I had to have the other two explained to me. Unlike 2001: A Space Odyssey which, after I had the ending explained to me several times, I still saw nothing in the film to support that idea — hey, some old guy gets older and older and finally dies of boredom and then there’s this baby fetus floating in outer space and roll credits — Larry Leissner asserts “If confusion is the first step to knowledge, then I must be a genius.” Unlike 2001, the Matrix sequel does indeed visualize its key plot points, but just barely. Why so glib?

Monday, May 19, 2003 - MOST MANIACAL MENTORS MESMERIZE MORTAL MINIONS. I describe the beginnings of a bad day as knocking over both the tin of flour and the bag of Kingsford Charcoal Briquettes on my head, simultaneous. Brett Butler reminds us “There are no accidents. God’s just trying to remain anonymous.” A. A. Milne’s creation, Eeyore, ponders “They’re funny things, Accidents. You never have them until you’re having one.” And Charles Caleb Colton pronounces “Times of general calamity and confusion create great minds. The purest ore is produced from the hottest furnace, and the brightest thunderbolt is elicited from the darkest storms.” Maybe it’s not such a bad day after all.
Tuesday, May 20, 2003 - An oldie but goodie. Bill Gates, Tom Cruise, and Stephen Hawking are traveling in a small airplane when the pilot announces the engine is dead and the plane is crashing. The problem is, there are only 3 parachutes. “Well, I’m the smartest man in the world,” says Bill Gates who grabs a parachute and jumps. “Well, I’m the most famous man in the world,” says Tom Cruise who grabs a parachute and jumps. Stephen Hawking tells the pilot “You’re young and I’ve lead a full life. You go ahead and take the last parachute.” The pilot replies “No, we can both jump. The smartest man in the world just jumped out of the plane with my backpack.” (Who’s having memory problems with XP? Not me!)

Wednesday, May 21, 2003 - The issue is moot. That phrase has plagued me ever since the Reverend Jesse Jackson wielded it in a Saturday Night Live bit, years ago. The American Heritage Dictionary gives two opposing definitions. (1) Subject to debate; arguable: a moot question. (2) Without legal significance, through having been previously decided or settled. So that leaves me with (1) The issue is debatable. (2) The issue is decided. Then the Word of the Day torments me further with — Definition 1: Debatable; and Definition 2: Irrelevant. Therefore, the boss may be willing to accept that his latest scheme is open to argument, but not that it is irrelevant: “Your usage of ‘moot’ is rather moot.” A mind is a terrible thing to lose.

Thursday, May 22, 2003 - NOODLING NEPHEWS NEED NO NOBLE NEWSPAPERS. Doppelgänger, a ghostly double of a living person, especially one that haunts its fleshly counterpart. Occultopedia tells us “the belief that each person has an identical ‘twin’ somewhere, though they are unrelated, is a very ancient one. Sometimes the Doppelgänger is the direct opposite personality of the real person; a very nice person will have an evil Doppelgänger and vice-versa. Legend says that if the two should meet, they will both die.” Dare ye “to stand vigil near a church door on April 24, the feast of St. Mark. At midnight, the airy doubles of all who will die that year file in a solemn processional into the church.” Pray thee not see thyself!

Friday, May 23, 2003 - OVERWROUGHT OPPOSSUMS OSTRASIZE OAFISH OWLS. When I viewed The Matrix Reloaded for the second time, armed with my Cliff notes, I emerged a True Believer. The man with the slight goatee appears four times. Do not blink. William Plomer observes “Creativity is the power to connect the seemingly unconnected.” W. Somerset Maugham appends “Imagination grows by exercise, and contrary to common belief, is more powerful in the mature than in the young.” George Miller sums it up with “The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you’re hungry again.” And, with a whole nine days to spare, the May Issue of The Fool’s Gold went out yesterday.

Saturday, May 24, 2003 - PURPLE PEACOCKS PURLOIN PRETTY PEARLS. Sir Barnett Cocks define “A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.” Queen Victoria notes “Great events make me quiet and calm; it is only trifles that irritate my nerves.” Spike Milligan asks “Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?” Martin Fraquhar Tupper whispers “Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.” Josh Billings intimates “Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.” Muhammad Ali asserts “Silence is golden when you can’t think of a good answer.” And in Hamlet, William Shakespeare sayeth “The rest is silence.”