Sunday, May 25, 2003 - “What a revolting development this is!”“No-good bushwhacking barracuda!”“If at first you don’t succeed, get smarter I always say.”“You make me very angry. Very angry indeed!”“I tawt I taw a puddy tat.”“Sufferin’ succotash!”“We’re the boys of the chorus... we hope you like our show... we know you’re rooting for us... but now we gotta go... ”

Monday, May 26, 2003 - I used to confuse Memorial Day and Labor Day until someone pointed out that the month of May and memorial both start with an M. Now I know why they burned heretics who claimed the world was round instead of flat. People hate feeling dumb. Businesses, too, recalling the thousands of dollars spent on the Y2K bug that, after all the commotion and hubbub, ended up being such a bore that I doubt Y2K will even make it into the history books. Certainly, the science textbooks don’t dwell on the learned opinions of primitive man concerning the secret of fire and Zeus’ lightning bolts. Nonetheless, the notion persists that some farmer in Iowa can operate his tractor all day on a thimbleful of corn oil.
Tuesday, May 27, 2003 - QUIZZICAL QUAIL QUESTION QUALMISH QUINTUPLETS. Paul Valery surmises “The folly of mistaking a paradox for a discovery, a metaphor for a proof, a torrent of verbiage for a spring of capital truths, and oneself for an oracle, is inborn in us.” I’m proof, conversely, that a rolling stone gathers no moss. The Fourth Law of Cartoon Physics states that the time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful — O’Donnell’s Laws of Cartoon Motion, Esquire Magazine, June, 1980.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003 - The letter R yields REPETITIOUS RASCALS READILY REMEMBER RHYMING RIDDLES. The Fifth Law of Cartoon Physics states that all principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth’s surface. A spooky noise or an adversary’s signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight — O’Donnell’s Laws, Esquire Magazine, June, 1980. Accept No Imitations, the complete illustrated listing of Acme products

Thursday, May 29, 2003 - SWIFT SALLY SEEKS SWEATY SAMUEL, say some slippery sentences. The Sixth Law of Cartoon Physics states that, as speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character’s head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A ‘wacky’ character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. — O’Donnell’s Laws of Cartoon Motion, Esquire Magazine, June, 1980.

Friday, May 30, 2003 - TERRYCLOTH TIGERS TEASE TICKLISH TORTOISES, the T tells and I woke up with a bad case of pixels. The Seventh Law of Cartoon Physics states that certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted as tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l’oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall’s surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science. Corollary: Portable holes work. — O’Donnell’s Laws of Cartoon Motion, Esquire Magazine, June, 1980.
Saturday, May 31, 2003 - UNICORNS UNDERSTAND UNUSUAL UNDERGARMENTS. The Eighth Law of Cartoon Physics states that any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container. Coronary: A state of terror that stops the heart. Coronation: The act of crowning a sovereign. Carnation: Creator of Coffee-Mate. Tarnation: As in “What in ___ is going on around here?”