Sunday, July 6, 2003 - You tell me who won or lost the paintball match! At a National Professional Paintball League event, a Thunder fan leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Wanna hear a joke about Aftershock fans?” The guy next to him replies, “Well before you tell that joke you should know something. I’m 6’ tall and 220 pounds and I’m an Aftershock fan. The guy sitting next to me is 6’ 2” tall, 240 pounds and he’s an Aftershock fan, and the guy sitting next to him is 6’ 5,” 280 pounds and he’s an Aftershock fan too. Now, do you still wanna tell me that joke?” The Thunder fan says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”

Monday, July 7, 2003 - Steve Martin states “Words are my craft. Words are my passion. Words are... well... you know...” Visual Thesaurus fits that 3rd category. Burt Bacharach confides “A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the first word you thought of.” Abigail Adams writes in a letter to John Adams “We have too many high sounding words, and too few actions that correspond with them.” Mark Twain asserts “I don’t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe quips “When ideas fail, words come in very handy.” And Adlai E. Stevenson Jr. comments “Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.”

Tuesday, July 8, 2003 - The fall guy is at his wit’s end. He asks his buffalo gal for help. “This jigsaw is too hard,” he says, “I don’t know where to start.” She asks “Well, what is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” He replies “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.” “I’m afraid,” she says, “you will be hard put to assemble anything resembling a rooster. Now let’s put all the corn flakes back in the box and have breakfast.” On a side note, Oscar Wilde adds “Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.” And Steven Wright recalls “I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”

Wednesday, July 9, 2003 - Viewing the Cinemascope DVD of Ghostbusters, Sigourney Weaver, possessed by Zuul, with Bill Murray. PETER: Are we still going out? You know, you could pick up the place if you’re expecting someone. DANA: Do you want this body? PETER: Is this a trick question? I guess the roses worked, huh? DANA: Take me now, subcreature. PETER: We never talk any more. I make it a rule never to get involved with possessed people. Actually, it’s more of a guideline than a rule. DANA: I want you inside me. PETER: Go ahead! No, I can’t, sounds like you’ve already got at least two people in there already. Might be a little crowded. Now, why don’t you quit trying to upset and disturb Dr. Venkman and just relax.

Thursday, July 10, 2003 - My imitation of Orson Welles as MacBeth sans beard, sideburns, eyebrows, red cape, and resemblance. James M. Barrie admits “I don’t know whether Bacon wrote the works of Shakespeare, but if he didn’t, it seems to me that he missed the opportunity of a lifetime.” Robert Wilensky sniffs “We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.” Evan Edgar defines education as “the ability to quote Shakespeare without crediting it to the Bible.” And Orson Welles himself sighs “Now we sit through Shakespeare in order to recognize the quotations.”
Friday, July 11, 2003 - The prosecuting attorney attacked the witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” The witness stared out the window as though he hadn’t hear the question. “Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the Judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.” “Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.” The Judge admonished the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?” “I do.” “Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?” “Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”

Saturday, July 12, 2003 - Mina Harker, smitten and bitten by Dracula; a thief who drank the Invisible Man’s draught; Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, another chronic drunk; Dorian Gray, whose portrait gives him youth and invincibility; Captain Nemo, inventor; Tom Sawyer, secret agent; and hunter Allan Quartermain, plunderer of King Solomon’s Mines. Together they form The League of Extraordinary Gentleman from the acclaimed graphic novel by Alan Moore and Kevin O’Neill — and now the modest matinee movie boasting Sean Connery and an anonymous cast frolicking in a murky world of CGI. I’ll leave it to Roger to condemn it, but for me, it was a guilty pleasure. All the legends of my childhood came to life and jammed. Why not?