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Sunday, July 13, 2003 - The lost soul at Circuit City rings up my purchase and says “Do you want the 3-year or 6-year extended warranty?” I say “Why? What’s wrong with it?” He says “No, nothing’s wrong with it. But you never know.” I say “You never know what? Are you telling me this is an inferior product? Maybe I shouldn’t buy it.” He says “No, Sir, it’s a fine product, but it’s good to be safe.” I say “Safe from what?” He says “Well, just in case.” I say “Just in case it breaks, you mean.” He says “Yes, Sir.” I say “I tell you what. You keep your extended warranty, and if this product breaks one week after its normal warranty expires, I’ll just toss it through your front window, how’s that?” Security arrived amazingly fast.

Monday, July 14, 2003 - He wound the bandage around the wound. That pasture is used to produce produce. He didn’t object to the object. The dump had to refuse more refuse. The soldier choose to desert through the desert. It was time to present the present. He painted a bass on the bass drum. The dove dove into the bushes. He was too close to the door to close it. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. The tear in the canvas made the artist shed a tear. The scientist had to subject the subject to a series of tests. The buck does and the does do, too. My jaw got number after a number of Novocain shots. These are heteronyms, I learned today, spellings the same, pronunciations and meanings differ. A nym too far?
Tuesday, July 15, 2003 - Dorian Gray had a portrait. I have a Photoshop file. Oscar Wilde reveals “I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.” Mark Twain observes “Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.” Groucho Marx insists, first, “Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them... well, I have others.” Second, “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” Third, “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” And fourth, “Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.”
Wednesday, July 16, 2003 - All summer long, the farmer knew that the local kids were sneaking into his watermelon patch at night and stealing one or two of his prize watermelons. After some careful thought, the farmer makes up a sign and posts it in his field. That night, the kids show up and see the sign; it says “Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.” So the kids run off, make up their own sign, and post it next to the farmer’s sign. The next morning, the farmer sees that no watermelons are missing, but he notices the new sign next to his; it says “Now there are two.”
Thursday, July 17, 2003 - Signs not found in the zodiac. On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.” Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We can hear you coming.” On the door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “We can help you pick your nose!” On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.” At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.” And here’s some bumper stickers sightings. (1) Eliminate and Abolish Redundancy. (2) Help Stamp Out Intolerance! (3) My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student. (4) Archaeologists Will Date Any Old Thing.
Friday, July 18, 2003 - I wonder why GAMES Magazine, the original board games and paper-and-pencil monthly, has no online presence whatsoever. Okay, I admit their website might exist out there somewhere, but eyeballing the Google search list yields Computer Games Magazine for 7+ pages and that is the extent of my attention span, alack and alas. Howsoever, the recent GAMES Magazine discusses what is considered the best board game of 2002, Puerto Rico, designed by Andreas Seyfarth. They interview gamers from around the world and a preponderance concur that the game is easy to learn, takes a lifetime to master, and delightfully, no one can agree on the strategy for winning the game — even the top winners!

Saturday, July 19, 2003 - For those who doubt the quality of television network news, ABC reports that a man has sold what he billed as the world’s largest french fry for more than $200 on the Internet auction-house eBay. Simon Holland found the nearly 7-inch fry during a meal at a Wisconsin Rapids Culver’s on June 24. Instead of eating the spud, he immediately froze it and put it up for auction on eBay. The winning bid, $202.50 from a bidder known only as “Culver’s Fan,” was announced Wednesday afternoon. Restaurant owners Greg Giese and Brad Prohl celebrated by giving patrons complimentary pieces of custard cake. “I could probably write the book, How to Sell a French Fry on eBay” Holland said, laughing.