Sunday, August 10, 2003 - California has lost all credibility, not that we had much left to lose. While we continue to mismanage our water and electricity resources — we have a ‘swindle me’ sign taped to our backs! — the people have voted to recall Governor Gray ‘what me emote?’ Davis, and as of 12:20 AM, 55 opposing candidates have been accepted and 100 more are under review. Mind you, every single one of these names has to go on the ballot! Among my favorites are Larry Flynt, publisher of Hustler Magazine, who vows to eliminate debt with casino machines; Mary Carey, a porn star who wants voters to turn in their handguns for XXX-rated videos; Angelyne, a Los Angeles billboard urban legend; and model T-100, The Terminator.

Monday, August 11, 2003 - Although David Blaine retains the World Title for the ‘Longest Running Smallest Website Ever’, The Terminator’s Campaign for California Governor is noteworthy. The source code has the Java comment RESOLVE MISSPELLED DOMAINS TO JOINARNOLD.COM. Oh? People are having trouble spelling ‘Arnold’? In 1998, the T-100 said “I love Thanksgiving turkey. It’s the only time in Los Angeles you see natural breasts.” Every Schwarzenegger movie has to be quotable, as in Predator, “Stick around,” after he nails a guerrilla soldier to the wall with his knife. Now muster your best Austrian accent and read this aloud. “The politicians are not doing their job. They fiddle, they fumble, and they fail.”

Tuesday, August 12, 2003 - Last night, the guests on KROQ’s Loveline were Robert Englund and Ken Curzillinger — who? The actors who play Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees — who? The bogeymen from the horror movie series Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th — stop smirking! I haven’t been this thrilled since King Kong versus Godzilla, for this Friday, Freddy vs. Jason. Hosts Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew lead a roundtable discussion with the horrormeisters about how, in these flicks, whenever teenagers have sex, invariably they are gruesomely disemboweled. The question was: do these films help prevent teenage pregnancy? In Texas, a $60 per ticket fundraiser screened the new film to benefit that cause.
Wednesday, August 13, 2003 - The window sill pastry coveted by Yogi Bear is a homophone for 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939, etc., or pi, the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter. Squeeze in an H and you have phi, that’s 1.6180339887 ad nauseam. Mario Livio in his book The Golden Ratio raves that phi is the “world’s most astonishing number,” accounting for such phenomena as pyramids, pinecones, and Picasso. Myself, I favor 3,000,000 with a dollar sign leading the pack, but that’s me. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe feels “Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.”

Thursday, August 14, 2003 - Damien? Rosemary’s baby? “Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, I’m afraid it’s a sea jay.” Today at 2:35 PM, I celebrate ‘the second of me’. I am a Leo and a Snake. I share my natal day with comedian Steve Martin (1945), author Danielle Steel (1947), cartoonist Gary Larson (1950), basketball star Earvin “Magic” Johnson (1959), and Oscar-winning actress Halle Berry (1968). On this day in 1848, Congress created the Oregon Territory; in 1873, the first issue of “Field and Stream” magazine was published; in 1953, the whiffle ball was invented by David Mullany Sr. for his 13-year-old son, an event of which I’m especially proud; and in 1994, the Hubble space telescope photographed the rings of Uranus. Kinky, baby.

Friday, August 15, 2003 - Jason, schmason. Freddy’s my man. I’ll be there at the noon matinee screening of Freddy vs. Jason, despite the hangover I’m certain to have from gulping too many Szechwan peppers and guzzling too many Zombies on my L-day. Which bogeyman is gonna win? Though I’ve not seen a single one of his movies, I’m lead to understand that Jason is a thing of flesh yet cannot die. And because I’ve seen every one of his movies, I know Freddy is a demon who exists only in your nightmares, no longer flesh, capable of supernatural magic, the best special effects the budget can buy. Here’s a twist — what if the teenagers win?
Oh, who am I kidding? I can only hope the whole thing doesn’t suck too badly.

Saturday, August 16, 2003 - Mug shot by Greg. Groaners from Cynthia. A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Practice safe eating; always use condiments. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Sea captains don’t like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I. A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired. What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.