Sunday, August 24, 2003 - American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. Real Capitalism: You don’t have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don’t have any cows to put up as collateral.

Monday, August 25, 2003 - From Charles M. Schulz: Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.” Stanislaw Lem affirms “Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.” Solomon Short asserts “Any great truth can, and eventually will, be expressed as a cliché. A cliché is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my grandmother used to say, ‘The black cat is always the last one off the fence.’ I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly true.” And while unlacing his sneakers, Steven Wright concludes “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

Tuesday, August 26, 2003 - Bobbing up through the murk of blue liquid is an icosahedron (a polyhedron with 20 faces, 30 edges, 12 vertices) that foretells the future. The Magic Eight Ball — you can tell it’s Mattel, it’s swell! — reveals its secrets. (1) Outlook Good (2) Outlook Not So Good (3) My Reply Is No (4) Don’t Count On It (5) You May Rely On It (6) Ask Again Later (7) Most Likely (8) Cannot Predict Now (9) Yes (10) Yes Definitely (11) Better Not Tell You Now (12) It Is Certain (13) Very Doubtful (14) It Is Decidedly So (15) Concentrate and Ask Again (16) Signs Point to Yes (17) My Sources Say No (18) Without a Doubt (19) Reply Hazy, Try Again (20) As I See It, Yes — and what sadist wrote answer #11?

Wednesday, August 27, 2003 - The original Law & Order TV series began with Chris Noth as Mike Logan and George Dzundza as Max Greevey. Then Max was shot and killed and enter Paul Sorvino as Phil Cerreta. Then Phil was shot but not killed and enter Jerry Orbach as Lennie Briscoe. Then Mike punched out a bigot politician and enter Benjamin Bratt as Reynaldo Curtis. It began with Michael Moriarty as Benjamin Stone and Richard Brooks as Paul Robinette. Then enter Jill Hennesy as Claire Kincaid. Then Ben quit because he felt responsible for the murder of a witness and enter Sam Waterston as Jack McCoy and finally Cary Lowell as Jamie Ross. The Season Nine cast changes, however, were egregious and I quit watching. Dun. Dun.

Thursday, August 28, 2003 - The Pyramids of Egypt are as fascinating as they are breathtaking. Although there is a lot of speculation and rumor about the building of the pyramids, Egyptologists have uncovered an impressive amount of archaeological evidence to explain the mechanics of the building and function of these ancient monuments. Henry David Thoreau comments “As for the pyramids, there is nothing of wonder in them so much as the fact that so many men, women, and children were degraded to spend their lives constructing a tomb for some ambitious booby, whom it would have been wiser and manlier to have drowned in the Nile, and then given his body to the dogs.” No bias, there.

Friday, August 29, 2003 - Back in November 2002, a 15-year-old from Quebec, goofing off at his high school video studio, recorded himself fighting a mock lightsaber battle with a golf ball retriever pole. His friends found the tape and uploaded it on the Internet as a joke on April 19, 2003. Within weeks, someone else had downloaded the tape and added their own special visual effects and sound effects. Click here to select from over 106 permutations of this tape. Other notables are the Mortal Kombat & Daffy Duck versions. And the shy lad accepts PayPal donations.
Saturday, August 30, 2003 - The New York Daily News reported this so it must be true. Downtown magician David Blaine almost went from a Houdini to a whodunit. The man himself tells the tale. “Recently I went to Israel with my girlfriend because I just wanted to go where I thought no one would recognize me. After I stepped off the plane, this drunk touristy guy runs over to me and whips out this giant knife, which he presses to my neck. He shouts in my face, ‘David Blaine, if you are such a great escape artist, why don’t you use your magic to escape from this blade?’ I thought I was going to die. We just stood like that for what seemed like forever, and then when this man saw my terror, he just strutted off howling with laughter.”