Sunday, September 14, 2003 - Shuffling across the carpet in wool socks and cotton jammies, the electric zap between doorknob and finger is deemed static and the recipient is seldom ecstatic. The choreography of corpses can, at best, be described as static. Any overheard California Gubernatorial debates are static. Attics anagrammed is static. Lloyd Dobens and Clare Crawford-Mason together decide “Nothing in life is static; it either gets better, or it gets worse.” John A. Locke argues “That which is static and repetitive is boring. That which is dynamic and random is confusing. In between lies art.” Richard Byrd insists “A static hero is a public liability. Progress grows out of motion.” I say “Static is tact.”

Monday, September 15, 2003 - Just 9 openings remain in the Compendium of True Believers for The Fool and his Money. Pre-order now. I can’t publish the September newsletter until they’re gone. That is, of course, an outright lie, but I’m not above it. Ralph Waldo Emerson concedes “Truth is beautiful, without doubt, but so are lies.” H. L. Mencken surmises “It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.” And Samuel Butler concludes “Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.” Other fibs? The longest one-syllable word in the English language is ‘screeched’ and ‘stewardesses’ is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
Tuesday, September 16, 2003 - My first job was in an orange juice factory, but I couldn’t concentrate and I got canned. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I couldn’t hack it and they gave me the axe. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. As a tailor, I wasn’t suited for it. As a deli worker, I couldn’t cut the mustard. As a musician, I wasn’t noteworthy. As a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience. In the shoe factory, I just didn’t fit in. As a fisherman, I couldn’t live on my net income. As a pool boy, the work was too draining. At the workout center, I wasn’t fit for the job. At Starbucks, it was the same old grind. I finally got a job as a historian, although there’s no future in it.

Wednesday,September 17, 2003 - “Waiter, if this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.” But it may be time to cut back on the coffee when Home Depot hires you to shake and mix paint cans with your bare hands; when you channel surf faster without a remote; when you name your cats, Cream and Sugar; when you introduce your better half as your coffeemate; when you walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in; when you help your dog chase its tail; when you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug; when the only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake; and when Charles Manson screams you’re making him nervous.

Thursday, September 18, 2003 - “A friend showed me the following text today and I thought you’d be interested. (You being wacky and all.)” the eMail read. “Aoccdrnig to rseearch at Cmarbigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in; the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteers be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef, but rthaer the wrod as a wlohe.” Albert Einstein adds “If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?” Wilson Mizner maintains “If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.” I say “Fstnniaciag.”
Friday, September 19, 2003 - Where was I? California-based Keynote Systems which monitors average traffic times across the net’s backbones said it saw no appreciable slowdown of traffic when the power cut hit. “As is true of the telephone system, the internet and major websites have been engineered with redundancy and backup power systems to withstand power outages,” said a spokesman for Keynote. “As long as there isn’t major physical damage, such as that caused by the July 2001 Baltimore tunnel fire, or major congestion, such as that caused by the SQL Slammer worm in January 2003, the internet and the web have enough redundancy and resilience to withstand most problems.” — most is not all.
Saturday, September 20, 2003 - A hold-up man was killed in a robbery attempt in Renton, Washington under the following circumstances. (1) The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop. (2) The shop was full of customers, in a state where a large portion of the population is licensed to carry concealed handguns. (3) To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door. (4) An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn’t fire. No one else was hurt.