Sunday, September 28, 2003 - Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane of glass with his shoulder and plunged twenty-four floors to his death. A police spokesman said Todd Garry, thirty-nine, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower as he was explaining the strength of the building’s windows to visiting law students. Garry had previously conducted the demonstration of window strength without mishap, according to police reports. The managing partner of the law firm that employed the deceased told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Garry was “one of the best and brightest” members of the two-hundred-man association.
Monday, September 29, 2003 - At the end of the job interview, the Human Resources person asks the young applicant, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The applicant says, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer replies, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?” The applicant sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yes, but you started it.”

Tuesday, September 30, 2003 - Another Washington Post Invitational was to redefine words from the dictionary. Coffee is the person who is coughed upon. Balderdash is a rapidly receding hairline. Testicle is a humorous question on an exam. Gargoyle is an olive-flavored mouthwash. Flabbergasted is being appalled over how much weight you have gained. Oyster is a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Lymph is to walk with a lisp. Bustard is a very rude Metrobus driver. Flatulence is the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. Circumvent is the opening in the front of boxer shorts. Pokemon is a Jamaican proctologist.

Wednesday, October 1, 2003 - “Little Willies” are gruesome poems, first put forth by Harry Graham under the nom de plume of Col. D. Streamer. (1) Dr. Jones fell in the well and died without a moan. He should have tended to the sick and left the well alone. (2) Willie saw some dynamite. Couldn’t understand it quite. Curiosity never pays. It rained Willie seven days. (3) Father heard his children scream, so he threw them in the stream, saying, as he drowned the third, “Children should be seen, not heard!” (4) Willie poisoned his father’s tea. Father died in agony. Mother came, and looked quite vexed. “Really, Will,” she said, “what next?”

Thursday, October 2, 2003 - According to Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, the backronym is an acronym that matches an existing word and also gives the impression that the acronym was contrived to fit the word. For example, BASIC is Beginner’s All-purpose Symbolic Instruction Code. Military politics provide other examples. MAD is Mutually Assured Destruction. NUTS is Nuclear Utilization Target Selection. START is STrategic Arms Reductions Treaty. USA PATRIOT Act is Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism. And James Bond’s nemesis, SPECTRE, is the SPecial Executive for Counterintelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion.

Friday, October 3, 2003 - During the heat of the space race in the 1960’s, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of nearly $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil. Today, Russians and Americans alike can purchase their very own Astronaut Pen, the exact model that has been used on all manned space flights since its maiden voyage in 1968 on Apollo VII.

Saturday, October 4, 2003 - Bumper Stickers.Cover me. I’m changing lanes.It’s as bad as you think and they are out to get you.Eschew obfuscation.So many pedestrians, so little time.Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn’t exist.Carlsbad Caverns has 22% more cavities.I don’t lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.My karma ran over your dogma.Friends don’t let friends drive naked.Just when you think you’ve won the rat race along come faster rats.Will Rogers never met a lawyer.There’s one in every crowd and they always find me.It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now.If money could talk, it would say goodbye.