Sunday, October 26, 2003 - Christopher Sell, trained as a French chef, is the creator of the celebrated fried Twinkie. “It does seem odd in a way,” Sells said, grinning over one of the freshly fried, golden confections. “I’m a gourmet chef. It would be depressing if the height of my career were deep-fried Twinkies.” Fried in an industrial deep fryer, the white vanilla filling inside the Hostess treat infuses into the golden spongecake and lends a surprisingly delicate, banana-like flavor. On the outside, the batter Sell dips the Twinkies in becomes crispy while the inside becomes soft and somewhere between fluffy and pudding-like. “They come out with a souffle-like quality,” Sell said. “They actually taste very good,” FOX News reports.

Monday, October 27, 2003 - You may recall (or are trying to forget) my firsthand coverage of the Marshmallow Peep 50th Anniversary where the Board of Directors were compelled to eat an original 1953 Peep in celebration. “Surprisingly chewy,” the CFO commented. Merry Mugger reports that independent agencies are conducting stress tests on Marshmallow Bunnies. The B.S.T. tested the effect of hot tubs, flames, electricity, laser, radiation, and oxygen deprivation. Further testing in B.S.T. II included baseball bats, gunshots, explosives, and being eaten alive by ants. Predictable results all around except for the Marshmallow Bunny nestled between four anthills. After many, many hours, no ant would touch it.

Wednesday, October 29, 2003 - Elvis Presley, “The King,” tops the list of wage earning dead celebrities. According to Forbes magazine third annual list, Elvis Presley’s estate earned $40 million from CD sales, royalties, and licensing for advertisements from September 2002-2003. “Peanuts” cartoonist Charles Schulz was second on the list with $32 million, while “The Lord of the Rings” author J.R.R. Tolkien was third with $22 million. Finishing fourth and fifth were former Beatles John Lennon and George Harrison, with earnings of $19 million and $16 million respectively. Tied for fifth place with Harrison was children’s author Theodore “Dr. Seuss” Geisel with $16 million. Tenth place was Marilyn Monroe with $8 million.

Thursday, October 30, 2003 - “It’s not just depressing. It’s positively negative!” Presenting the 2004 Demotivators Calendar. “Perhaps you’re a wholly reasonable person, with the potential to become an irrational fool? Perhaps you’re a team player, with a potentially argumentative loner lurking about inside you? Or perhaps you’re a dreamer, within whom lives a potentially disillusioned grouse, simply waiting to take flight on the wings of bitterness? Unleash your inner melancholy with our line of custom Demotivators® products. No matter who you are, you have the potential to be so very much less.” Featuring Agony, Apathy, Defeat, Failure, Futility, Ineptitude, Mediocrity, Mistakes, Pessimism, Procrastination, and Stupidity.

Friday, October 31, 2003 - “Deliver us from ghoulies and ghosties and long-legged beasties, and things that go bump in the night.” Safety Tips. If your car runs out of gas at night, never walk to the nearby desolate house to phone for help. If you’re running from a monster, expect to trip and fall down at least once. Two or three times if you are female. Never buy a home where the previous inhabitants went mad, committed suicide, or died in some horrible fashion. Never volunteer for a scientific study of a haunted house or be lured to stay the night for the promise of money. Never take anything from the dead. Never read aloud from a book of demon spells. And never ever solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.  Happy Halloween!