Sunday, November 9, 2003 - Fun with Babel Fish Translation; from English, “A fool and his money are soon parted,” to German, “Ein Dummkopf und sein Geld werden bald zerteilt,” to French, “Un imbécile et son argent sont distribués bientôt,” and back to English, “An imbecile and his money are distributed soon.” Going one round further, “A weak head and its money are distributed soon.” Also, “A rolling stone gathers no moss,” becomes “A stone of role does not seize foam.” Mark Twain recalls, “In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French. I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.”
Monday, November 10, 2003 - Did anyone else find Mystic River melodramatic, flatfooted, and contrived? I don’t know why critics fall all over each other to praise actors that become directors, in this case tough guy Clint Eastwood whose wooden acting lends itself well to wooden directing. I think what bugged me the most was that the film sets up a certain premise with the young boys upfront and then goes on to ignore it completely. Oh sure, Tim Robbins cowers in the shadows and Marcia Gay Harden twitches and frets, but up pops a mystery that, if you only observe the simple evidence, is no mystery at all. And in the last scene, the film falls back on its original premise and ends with a spurious conclusion wholly unsupported by the film.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - What brain trust designs an “Open” dialogue box with a rigid narrow rectangle that only lists 6 file names at a time? I’ll tell you. The geniuses behind the Windows versions of Macromedia Director and Abode Photoshop LE, two products I happen to be using all day and night. I hate scrolling sideways. It’s a crime against nature. Even Microsoft products allow you to stretch the dialogue box as big as your face to reveal piles and piles of files. If Microsoft can get it right, I mean, really. Meanwhile, my iMac with the sexy flat screen is making me go blind as I struggle to read that ever-so-slightly anti-aliased text. It’s like reading words printed on a fluorescent tube. I don’t get it. Maybe, it’s Videodrome.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003 - “Vampires arrived in the United States with the first European settlers and followed the general population shifts of Americans in the early days of the Republic. During this time, fighting vampires was a task left to local militia and bounty hunters known as the Vampire National Guard. As the country grew and was increasingly urbanized, a more ambitious vampire abatement program became necessary. The Copper Creek Seige of 1855, in which vampires took over an entire California mining town, underscored the country’s need for an organized, well-trained force to combat the growing plague. The Civil War delayed implementation until 1868, when President Ulysses S. Grant officially formed the Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency.” Werewolves, apparently, posed no threat.

Thursday, November 13, 2003 - From children’s essays.Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark.Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. Later, Moses went to Mount Cyanide to find the ten amendments.The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.The seventh commandment is “Thou shall not admit adultery.”The epistles were the wives of the apostlesSt. Paul preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.A Christian should only have one spouse. This is called monotony.

Friday, November 14, 2003 - It’s true. David Blaine sincerely wants someone, preferably an 8-year-old from Harlem, to solve his $100,000 Challenge. One year after his book’s publication, he asked me to invent a singular definitive clue for his appearance on Larry King Live. The author of Masquerade, Kit Williams, had also offered a post-publication clue, but nothing so bold and “in your face” as this street magician’s challenge. At one point during the design phase of the book, I had thought the forty-one clues could be set off as quotes and sprinkled throughout the chapters as is. However, Bill Kalush, who had a terror of MIT students solving the Challenge overnight, insisted upon another layer of misdirection. (Blame him!)

Saturday, November 15, 2003 - My experience is that a calculated Double Feature of two “so-so” movies can oftentimes produce one “okay” movie experience. Ethan and Joel Coen’s Intolerable Cruelty is a deadpan screwball comedy where George Clooney obsesses over his teeth and Catherine Zeta-Jones. He’s hilarious. She’s homogenized. Can they find true love in divorce? There’s a few surprises that are worth the wait. Jane Campion’s In the Cut casts Meg Ryan as a brooding school teacher whose sexuality blooms in the presence of danger, but wait, it’s only a mad slasher movie disguised as an art film. Like Tom Hanks in Road to Perdition, a single Meg Ryan smile generates enough wholesomeness to shatter any illusion.