Sunday, November 30, 2003 - Today arrived The Two Towers, Extended Edition. I remove the two DVD cases, but the statue of Gollum doesn’t seem to want to slide out of its box. I turn the box over and try to pry it open from the bottom. No go. It’s sealed with gobs of epoxy. Hmmm. I peer inside the box. There is a styrofoam mold holding the statue in place. I start ripping the box open down the side only to discover that the styrofoam base has bonded on a molecular level with the cardboard bottom of the box and will not budge. I grab my X-acto and trim the cardboard neatly at the base. Okay. Better. But not best. How to open this curse-of-the-Pharaoh’s-tomb concrete styrofoam thingamabob? To be continued.
Monday, December 1, 2003 - The base of my Gollum statue is encased in space age styrofoam, the two halves held fast by clear plastic packing tape. I take my X-acto and slit the tape once, then twice, yet the halves will not pull apart. Gollum is snickering. I pick away at the styrofoam with my fingers. I excavate the mother of all twist ties holding the two halves together. Mind you, this is no ordinary garden variety trash bag twist tie. This is the kind they use to secure depleted plutonium canisters on their way through your hometown. I reach for my bolt cutters. I calm myself, knowing full well when I snip the twist tie, the halves will fall open, and Gollum will fling across the room and shatter into tiny pieces. And I beat the odds.
Tuesday, December 2, 2003 - The Newshour with Jim Lehrer had a feature on increasing threat of computer viruses and worms. First, they terrified me. Then, they assured me I had all the correct software protection. Last, some MIT wingnut demonstrated how to protect your computer by using a scale model of a medieval castle to balance actual computer components on the ramparts, the turrets, and the walls. And they call me mad?Now they’re putting tiny round inspection labels on my tomatoes! How many of these have I chowed down before noticing? I wonder if the kids of Food Inspector #4798 scour the produce section for Mommy or Daddy’s label? Is there a Label Fairy? A silver dollar for every one they find?
Wednesday, December 3, 2003 - In Heaven, the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian, and the bankers are Swiss. In Hell, the cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and the bankers are Italian.On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs.In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
Thursday, December 4, 2003 - Emo Phillips reflections.I ran three miles today. Finally I said “Okay lady, take your purse.” Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.I was walking down the street, something caught my eye... and dragged it fifteen feet.The other day a woman came up to me and said, “Didn’t I see you on television?” I said, “I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.”I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.

Friday, December 5, 2003 - Ambrose Bierce tells us, die is the singular of dice. We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, “Never say die.”Fred Marino knows from personal experience what can happen to Internet gamblers if they can’t control themselves. Gambling online and on credit, Marino’s casino clicking cost him the equity in two houses and ruined his marriage as he ran up more than $80,000 in gambling debts. Now, he’s suing the credit card companies that let him do it.My credit card company let me charge my movie tickets to go see The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones. Can I sue them, too?

Saturday, December 6, 2003 - Double Feature Day. Master and Commander is the yin to the undersea yang of Das Boot. Both impeccably crafted, each convincingly portrays its respective claustrophobia. Stalwart Russell Crowe leads his crew to sail the ocean gray. The tactics intrigue. The battles exhilarate. Ten minutes after the film ends, lamentably, all is forgotten. I feared The Last Samurai would be Mission Impossible in 1876 Japan. Director Edward Zwick, Legends of the Fall and Courage Under Fire, wisely convinces Tom Cruise to try not to act and Cruise does an admirable job. It is a story of change in a nation and of the man who is its witness, a welcome reminder that courage and honor did not originate with the Klingons.