Sunday, December 7, 2003 - Calvin Coolidge proclaims, “Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan ‘press on’ has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.” Edgar Allen Poe ponders, “It may well be doubted whether human ingenuity can construct an enigma which human ingenuity may not, by proper application, resolve.” And Gore Vidal sums it up, “There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise.”
Monday, December 8, 2003 - Last night, The Simpsons aired a new episode, “Today I Am a Clown.” It was some sort of “theme” show, for this proper female voice was narrating the show in the oddest way. She’d describe all the action, many times before it happened, often spoiling the joke. I found this so irritating that, during the first commercial break, I looked it up on the TV Guide website only to read, “Krusty’s rabbi father helps him prepare for his bar mitzvah and Homer guest hosts for Krusty.” No help there. I grinned and bared it, barely. Then as the Bernie Mac show began, the same female voice. My remote had wandered into SAP mode, which in L.A. is usually Spanish, but this was for the blind? I’m so sheltered.
Tuesday, December 9, 2003 - “The streets of Taipei, Taiwan, were awash with red this weekend as 3,618 people dressed in padded red costumes and white beards attempted to break the record for the largest gathering of Santa Clauses. Another attempt at the festive record was made in Powys, Wales, UK, although the “Santa Fun Run” could only muster 3,200 participants. Until the Taiwanese evidence is collated and reviewed by Guinness World Records researchers, the current world record remains in place. And that world record is, on December 7, 2002, 2,685 costumed Santas paraded down the streets of Bralanda, Sweden. All participants wore red Santa costumes with matching hats and fake white beards.”

Wednesday, December 10, 2003 - A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches over and slaps the man’s face. “What did you do that for?” he yells. “Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?” says the pharmacist. The man answers, “No, but my wife out in the car still does!”A miracle drug is one that sells for the same price as it did last year.”My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” the man yells into the phone. “Is this her first child?” the doctor asks. “No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”What is the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Thursday, December 11, 2003 - When I need to take a break around 4 PM, yes, I watch Dr. Phil. “How’s that workin’ for ya?” Pretty good, actually. It serves the same purpose as watching soap operas, I presume, that is, it’s comforting to know that there’s people out there more screwed up than I am. Dr. Phil’s “Just get over it!” approach to pop therapy is strewn with (borrowed) catch phrases such as Fortune-Telling, All-or-Nothing Thinking, Pipe-Dreaming, and Poor-Me-Thinking. Though if I thought Dr. Phil’s regimen was strict, yesterday’s show featured his tiny dominatrix wife, Robin, talking about PMS and menopause. “I just decided to make this a positive experience,” she said, grinding her teeth, “And I did.”

Friday, December 12, 2003 - I google Bacardi 151 Proof Rum to mix drinks such as The Zombie, The Wet and Wild Lip Tickler, The Four Horsemen, Liquid Cocaine, Buffalo Sweat, Gorilla Fart, Fuzzy Bastard, and Instant Death.”Say, good-lookin’, I’m a lawyer and I’m trained to get you off — can I buy you a Blue Smurf Piss?”I then tiptoe into a $100,000 Challenge chat room, and I reflect, “Is this really 2003?” The interactive interface felt outdated, primitive, and awkward, and everyone was virtually talking, shouting, screaming, all at once. I couldn’t make hide nor hair out of any conversation. When was this ever a good idea? For this Ice Age reporter, Instant Messaging is the mammal among chat room dinosaurs.
Saturday, December 13, 2003 - Double Feature Day. Leave it to Diane Keaton to outshine and outcharm Jack Nicholson in Something’s Gotta Give, written and directed by Nancy Myers. If the romance strays into the cliché or the plot stretches believability, all is forgiven to see Keaton channel her Annie Hall girlishness and to see Nicholson doing his “here’s Jack.” Playing Doctor is Keanu Reeves, and whatever Reeves is paying his agent, he should double it. The joke in the new Farrelly Brothers film, Stuck on You, is not that Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear are conjoined twins; the joke is that the film isn’t a screwy comedy as the preview suggests; it’s a sweet-natured romp, sometimes sappy, but straightfaced.