Monday, December 22, 2003 - The Three Stages of Life. You believe in Santa Claus. You don’t believe in Santa Claus. You are Santa Claus.”What are you charged with?” the Judge asked. “Doing my Christmas shopping early,” the Defendant replied. “That’s no offense,” said the Judge. The Prosecutor objected, “It is if you do it before the shop opens.”“The tenth reindeer is named Olive,” he insisted. “You know, Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names...”What do you call people who are afraid of Santa? Claustrophobic.What do you call a teenager who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003 - One winter’s eve, a reindeer walked in the door of a busy road house, bellied up to the bar, and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted a $20 bill as payment. As he handed the reindeer $5 in change, he said “You know, I think you’re the first reindeer I’ve ever seen in here.” The reindeer looked at the $5 bill and said “Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I’m the last reindeer you’ll ever see in here.”Assuming an average of 4 persons per home, to deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 52,084 visits per second. At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003 - Bah, humbug! The Ghost of Christmas Present shakes his head in disbelief. As The Return of the King enters its second week of cineplex domination, seven new films hit the theaters Christmas Day. Sean Penn and Naomi Watts determine life weighs 21 Grams, Tim Burton hopes to catch a Big Fish, Steve Martin remakes the 1950 comedy Cheaper by the Dozen, Jude, Nicole, and Renée heat up the Civil War in Cold Mountain, Ben Kingsley steals Jennifer Connelly’s home in House of Sand and Fog, another Philip K. Dick sci-fi short story movie adaptation Paycheck, and a live-action Peter Pan with Jason Isaacs as Captain Hook. Who? Hang your stockings with care and have a Holly Jolly Christmas!
Thursday, December 25, 2003 - From Weird Al Yankovich, “It’s Christmas at Ground Zero. There’s music in the air. The sleigh bells are ringin’ and the carolers are singin’ while the air raid sirens blare. It’s Christmas at Ground Zero. The button has been pressed. The radio just let us know that “This is not a test.” Everywhere the atom bombs are droppin’. It’s the end of all humanity. No more time for last minute shoppin’. It’s time to face your final destiny. Oh, it’s Christmas at Ground Zero, and if the radiation level’s okay, I’ll go out with you and see the all new mutations on New Year’s Day. It’s Christmas at Ground Zero. Now the missiles are on their way. What a crazy fluke, we’re gonna get nuked on this jolly holiday.”
Friday, December 26, 2003 - The grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour. It took him two days to assemble it. Finally, when the toy was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.You never actually see Santa, only his assistants. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire. Santa doesn’t really do the work; he directs his helpers to do all the work for him, but he’s the one who everybody credits with the work. Santa never works a 40 hour week. Santa travels a lot. Therefore, Santa must be a College Professor with tenure.
Saturday, December 27, 2003 - Double Feature Day. John Woo’s sci-fi thriller Paycheck might have been more successful as a one-hour Outer Limits episode, considering the source material is a Philip K. Dick short story. Ben Affleck, playing his usual stand-up guy, made of cardboard, is less entertaining than the 20 clues in the envelope he carries. Amazing how a computer engineer, a biologist, and a corporate executive can kick-box with the best of them. I’m not sure what I was thinking going to see the live-action Peter Pan, but my noggin was right on the button. What a charming magical treat! And no kid gloves, either. Peter and Wendy smolder on the screen and Jason Isaacs as Captain Hook is an irresistible scoundrel.