Issue  Nine    December  2003 ©2003  by  Cliff  Johnson  All  Rights  Reserved  The squeaky wheel gets the grease. the officious newsletter of author Cliff Johnson The nail that stands out gets hammered flat.      >Take One<      Excerpts from recent eMails.      “You’re an honest man and I’m a liar.”      “Anything preying on your mind would starve to death.”      “I don’t think you should worry about your looks. You’ve suffered enough already.”      >Take Two<      Spock : “Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here.”      McCoy: “You admit that?”      Spock : “To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor.”      Star Date unknown.      >Take Three<      Steven Wright questions everything.      “Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”      “If you were driving at the speed of light and put your headlights on, would they do anything?”      “Why is it ‘a penny for your thoughts’, but you have to ‘put your 2 cents in’? Somebody’s makin’ a penny.”      >Take Four<      Jack Handey, on the other hand, has deep thoughts.      “Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of mass destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have.”      “To me, boxing is like ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.”      “It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.”      >Take Five<      Some of the things Bart Simpson is writing on the blackboard at the beginning of each episode.           I will not waste chalk.           I will not instigate revolution.           I will not belch the National Anthem.           The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.           I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.           I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.           Organ transplants are best left to the professionals.           The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan.      >Take Six<      If receiving this newsletter is as welcome as the plague of boils upon ancient Egypt, click here to cancel.      However, if you found this newsletter while hacking into the C.I.A. and wish to subscribe, click here.      >Take Seven<      The Arizona Highway Patrol were mystified by the smoldering wreckage embedded in the side of a cliff until the Air Force identified the remains of a JATO* rocket used to give heavy military transport airplanes an extra push for take-off from short airfields. (*Jet Assisted Take-Off.)      It seems that an unnamed Air Force sergeant had taken the JATO rocket into the Arizona desert, attached it to his 1967 Chevy Impala, jumped in, and accelerated to a high speed. He ignited the JATO rocket approximately 3.9 miles from the crash site. This was established by the location of a prominently scorched and melted strip of asphalt. The vehicle quickly reached a speed of between 250 and 300 mph and continued at that speed, under full power, for an additional 20-25 seconds before the driver applied the brakes, completely melting them, blowing the tires, and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. The vehicle then became airborne for an additional 1.3 miles, impacted the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, and left a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.      The next of kin received his 1995 Darwin Award.      >Cut<      >Print<      Sequels are much on my mind, understandably, and, these days, cineplexes are serving up buffets of food for thought. The broadest definition of sequel is simply “something that follows” which would handily label all the 007 movies as sequels of Dr. No. Most sequels spawn from the horror, science fiction, or fantasy genres.      We could break up into individual discussion groups and debate the merits and mistakes of Planet of the Apes, Beneath the Planet of the Apes, Escape from the Planet of the Apes, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, and Battle for the Planet of the Apes, however, I’d rather limit the scope of my garrulous prose to movie sequels directed by the same directors and creative teams who made the originals.      Frankenstein scared audiences silly and the hiss of Elsa Lanchester in Bride of Frankenstein defined a classic moment in movie horror. Both are directed by James Whale, immortalized by Sir Ian McKellen in Gods and Monsters. Some consider the sequel better than the original, arguably, but one wonders why does the sequel cut back and forth between gothic horror and campy humor when the original did not. In an interview, James Whale admitted he found the second film “rather boring” and added the comedy to liven things up.      Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters II, both starred the same actors, both were written by the same writers, both were directed by the same director. This is mind-boggling considering that the original is a comedy classic and the sequel is a comedy catastrophe. To this day, I remain nonplussed. How could the very same creative talents not understand why their original was so good? And what mass delusion sustained them while making the sequel?      Raiders of the Lost Ark spawned Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Both were collaborations of boy wonders Spielberg and Lucas. The original defined a new era of action film with a superb balance of adventure and wry humor. What spark of genius made them decide to make the next film unrelentingly bleak and humorless? Kate Capshaw’s shrieking ‘fraidy cat performance is not only not funny, it is embarrassing. And who’s bright idea was it to make a “prequel?” Was that even a word prior to this?      The same George stunned audiences with his first Star Wars trilogy and his second “prequel” trilogy stuns audiences in an altogether different manner. One is a wild rollercoaster ride. The other, a ponderous elephant caravan. The same Wachowski Brothers who created the groundbreaking The Matrix then dug themselves in with The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions. Even Francis Ford Coppola did a prat fall and proved two’s company, but Godfather Three’s a crowd.      I hereby coin “The James Whale Phenomenon.” Directors are authors and they follow their instincts wherever they may stray. Whether we like the results or not, you can be sure they knew for an absolute fact that they were doing the right thing at the time, no matter how misguided or miscalculated it may seem to us.      Wait.      What are you trying to say here about The Fool and his Money versus The Fool’s Errand?      Not to worry.      I take my cue from James Cameron. Think Terminator II versus The Terminator.      (He cannot be held responsible for Terminator III nor Arnold as Governator.)      Meanwhile, in the Kingdom of the Swords, three rogues jangled piles of coins. “I’ll bet one hundred taut,” said one. “I’ll wager five-score scum,” said another. “I’ll stake eight dozen and four wags,” said a third. Who bet the most and the least?      I received a flurry of replies with the answer “They are all the same.” The numeric amounts are the same, true, but the coins aren’t made of the same metal. Jep surmised the correct answer with tAUt, wAGs, sCUm. Element-ary?      And last.      Don’t be penny-wise and pound-foolish!      Pre-order The Fool and his Money today and have your name immortalized in the Compendium of True Believers inside the game!      Need I say that the Sea Jay Commemorative CD-ROM is a splendid stock stuffer, beverage coaster, or wedge to balance that wobbly sofa?      The evening of November 4th, David Blaine calls me up and says, “Hey Cliff, I’m appearing on Larry King Live tomorrow and I need a new clue,” that is, a new clue to his $100,000 Challenge from his 2002 book Mysterious Stranger, one that points to the treasure all by itself!      “If my tattoo is fearless, then climb ten weeks to find the route.”      You’ll never believe the eMail I’ve received since. It’s Just Blaine Crazy.      Til next time.      Cashmere Jerkin 2003 — JAN - FEB - MAR - APR - MAY - JUN - JUL - AUG - DEC — 2004 — MAR - AUG - NOV — 2005 — APR - NOV - DEC 2006 — MAR - JUN - OCT — 2007 — DEC — 2008 — APR