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Issue Twelve November 2004 |
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©2004 by Cliff Johnson All Rights Reserved |
| Fine words butter no parsnips. | the officious newsletter of author Cliff Johnson | If you’re in a hole, stop digging. |
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>Take
One< Ancient Celts agree, “Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.” According to a Chinese proverb, “If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.” Overheard in 16th Century England, “A politician is someone who can make waves and then make you think he’s the only person who can save the ship.” >Take Two< September 23, 2002, from SciFi.com: Disney Picks Up Fool “Disney has picked up the animated feature-film pitch The Fool’s Errand from screenwriter David H. Steinberg, according to The Hollywood Reporter. Details about the project are being kept under wraps, but the story reportedly centers on a court jester who goes on a mythical journey to return peace to his kingdom. “Steinberg rewrote American Pie 2 and also penned the recent comedy Slackers, the trade paper reported. Fool marks Steinberg’s first venture into the animated family market, as well as his first work with Disney.” Not to worry. It sounds nothing like my game. >Take Three< Will Rogers confides, “There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.” Johnny Hart ponders, “If man evolved from the ape, how come there are still apes around?” And then he reflects, “Perhaps, some of them were given a choice.” Bill Watterson asserts, “Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.” >Take Four< Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, “So, what did you think?” >Take Five< He who laughs last thinks slowest. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. State Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. >Take Six< If receiving this newsletter is as welcome as sorting through your postal mail and weeding out the supermarket ads, fast food flyers, and dry cleaner coupons only to find three utility bills, two credit card statements, and an invitation to join AARP, click here to cancel. On the other hand, if a trojan horse invaded your second cousin’s computer, and as a result, the worm sent a copy of this newsletter to everyone in her Outlook directory, and although Ad-Aware tagged it as spyware, you wish to subscribe to it nonetheless, click here. >Take Seven< In December, I’ll be moving to Canada to become a burden on their economy and to finally be able to spend all those Canadian quarters that the automated coin changer at Ralph’s keeps rejecting. I’ll be living with my fair lady who is also my fiancé and we are to be married on April 1st, 2005. Lea (pronounced Leah) is convinced that I will love fresh moose burgers once I taste one, but note the howling error in her logic. To taste one would be to put one in my mouth and that, dear readers, would be a crime against nature and Bullwinkle. >Cut< >Print< |
“What a glorious sunset!” he exclaimed to no one in particular, “for this day, I shall receive my just reward for my selfless service to the Land.”
With the crown on his head and the other thirteen treasures dangling from the pole of his knapsack, the Fool hiked down hillsides and meadows, passing farmwives and fishermen, children and wild hares, and all the while, he daydreamed of grateful countryfolk and generous nobility, and how, for his great achievement, he might be crowned the new Emperor of all the Land.
The diminishing orange-red Sun peered over the horizon.
“If you plan to take the short cut to the Kingdom of the Swords,” the Sun advised, “you would be wise to arrange for safe passage through the woodland marshes.”
“But I am wise already and have considered this,” the Fool boasted, heading due north into the trees and mist.
I can identify with the Fool and all his best intentions. I’ve been thinking and re-thinking and re-re-thinking. I’ve come to the conclusion I’m letting the cart lead the horse and that I’m rushing The Fool and his Money out the door before it’s time. Basically, I want to add more puzzles, more special case one-of-a-kind puzzles that I feel I’m bumping to the third installment, The Fool’s Paradise, purely because of the deadline — and, of course, I’m getting married and moving to Canada, yeah, there’s that too.
I’ve only got one chance to do this right. Yes, I realize people will be disappointed by yet another slip in the deadline, but when push comes to shove, and 99 other clichés, I don’t want to disappoint the True Believers with the final product. For that, there is no remedy.
So I take a deep breathe and whisper... July 5, 2005... and run for cover.
At times, I feel like Kevin Klein chasing John Cleese with a gun in A Fish Called Wanda as he struggles to say, “I apologize.” At other times, I feel like Chuck Heston in The Agony and the Ecstasy when Rex Harrison keeps asking him, “When will you make an end?”
Friends and True Believers, I ask for your patience one last time and would appreciate any and all letters of support to cliff@thefoolandhismoney.com.
Vitriolic diatribes and other insults upon my person can be sent to Cliff Johnson the book author, or, Cliff Johnson the baseball player, or, Cliff Johnson the suiseki artist.
For those who have pre-ordered the sequel and have their names immortalized in the Compendium of True Believers inside the game, my eternal thanks. Without you, I’d have to beg for my old job at Burger King and subsist on the crusty french fries that missed the wire basket and plunged into the depths of bubbling animal fat during the lunchtime rush.
“Just finish the bloody thing, already! And in your next life, make crappier games so people won’t be on pins and needles like this.”
“So, you want me to get upset at having to wait a mere 7 months more? Just for finally getting some cash directly to you? Ha! I wouldn’t be very worthy of the title True Believer then, would I? And that’s *TRUE* Believer to you, Mister.”
“YOU need to love it first. Take your time. It will be so much better. You cannot revolve your projects around others impatience or a self imposed deadline(s) that just didn’t work out. That’s life. Quality #1, everything else doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme.”
“Take as long as you need to put out a good product. Don’t sweat it. I’m looking forward to the ‘ah-ha’ and ‘aww-right’ of TFaHM.”
“I, and I’m sure many others, have been anticipating this luscious transport back in time. As a developer, I know the choice between rushing through a project to meet a deadline and pushing it out at the risk of angering the gods is tough. I applaud you for making the correct choice. Especially with your work, which i appreciate for it’s wit, sarcasm, and cleverness. Quality and depth are king.”
“Here, there Is much WeepIng and waiLing and gnashing of teeth. The howLs of those Whose puzzle AddIcTion shall GO unfed are piteOus, but in the enD there is some soLace in their breasts, for they know that throUgh this delay even more devilish and demoniaCal enigmas shall be posed, more riddles will be unveiled, and more twisted sKeins shall be woven.”
“Another delay, sigh.... Disappointed, you bet your anagrams I am, but I think you’d be insulted if I weren’t. I am of the school of ‘send us it when it’s finished and not before’. I’ve played enough half-designed, poorly written, multi-patched games in my time, thank you, and for a game such as this, I can wait longer.”
“Have you considered outsourcing to India?”
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With the
Winter Season of Serious Films upon us,
it is a good a time as any to reflect
upon what movies have taught us over the
years. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French Bread. It’s easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat them. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. Okay. |
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One sentiment
I’ve heard several times already
is that the True Believers will forgive
the delay as long as there is a Third
Annual April Fool’s Day Treasure
Hunt Errand next year, ineligible to students
of Harvey Mudd College. |
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