Issue  Thirteen    April  2005 ©2005  by  Cliff  Johnson  All  Rights  Reserved

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. the officious newsletter of author Cliff Johnson A tax is a fine for doing well.

>Take One<      Steven Wright complains, “I wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called ‘brightness’ but it doesn’t work.”      Also, “I did a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over and I say, ‘Go ahead, touch it... it feels real.”      And also, “One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said “Didn’t you see the stop sign.” I said “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”      >Take Two<      There once was a man from Great Britain      Who interrupted two girls at their knittin’.      Said he with a sigh,      ”That park bench, well, I      Just painted it right where you’re sittin’.”      >Take Three<      Girding my loins, I publish Issue Thirteen without triskaidekaphobia, the fear of the number 13, despite the anecdotal evidence that (a) on Friday, October 13, 1307, France’s King Philip IV had all the Knights Templar in France arrested, accused of heresy, tortured into making false confessions, and put to death, (b) each of the following names contains 13 letters: John Wayne Gacy, Jeffrey Dahmer, Charles Manson, Jack the Ripper, (c) the Death card in a Tarot deck is numbered 13, (d) a coven contains 13 witches, and, (e) Apollo 13.      >Take Four<      “After all is said and done, more is said than done.”      “Salt is what makes the food taste bad when it’s missing.”      “Experience is the worst teacher. It gives you the test before you’ve had the chance to study.”      >Take Five<      Sterling, Virginia: County investigators say that a 6-foot 3-inch man, wearing a flowery dress, a dark wig and white gloves, handed a note to a bank teller on Wednesday and implied he had a weapon. The suspect also was carrying a purse, police said. But the man’s purse was still empty when he walked out of the bank.      The bank teller was unconvinced by his disguise and flatly refused to give him any money at all.      >Take Six<      If receiving this newsletter is as welcome as swamp mosquitoes swarming through that hole in the screen door of your vacation cabin on a humid summer night, click here to cancel.      On the other hand, if someone had a lapse in judgement and eMailed you a copy of this newsletter and you are experiencing a sympathetic lapse in judgement and wish to subscribe, click here.      >Take Seven<      Ken, one of my wiser business buddies, counseled me last November, “People will forgive deadline slips, but whatever you do, make sure to put out your newsletter every month and keep people informed.”      Posing a punchline here would be redundant, eh?*      *eh? is the Canadian version of the American “right?” and a retort much used by my wife. I used to prefer the elitist “see?” But that was before she acquired the habit of echoing me with an Edward G. Robinson “see?” as in “see here, you mugs!” from the 1937 film The Last Gangster. I guess I’ll have to settle for “you know?”      >Cut<      >Print<

Having been bushwhacked by pirates and had the fourteen treasures stolen from him, the Fool makes his way to the Kingdom of the Swords and discovers that every ragtag and bobtail are abuzz with tales of the brash buccaneer who triumphed over the High Priestess and saved the Land from her enchantments.      ”All hail the Pirate King!” the villagers proclaim.      The Fool is dumbstruck. It was terrible enough to be robbed of the reward he would surely have received for the safe return of the fourteen treasures, yet now, he is being robbed of the glory and the reputation for having done so, which in itself, could have been leveraged into free meals, fine accommodations, and other kingly considerations in his time of need.      The Innkeeper of The Crescent Dragon is unimpressed with this vagabond who calls himself Thomas Fool, a ne’er-do-well who clearly hasn’t any wags or a taut or a scum to his name.

With his Gift of Wisdom earned from his Errand, the Fool earns table scraps and gulps of warm ale by offering to tidy up piles of stray letters for the customers of a nearby tavern, collecting these odd words as he goes.      He cannot help but eavesdrop on the idle gossip of the recently unemployed. Apparently, both the gem and ore mines, as well as the metalworks, recently traded ownership from the Kingdom of the Swords to a consortium of seven from the Kingdom of the Pentacles. He overhears the name, Interested Parties, on more than one occasion.

The Fool is astonished when the townsfolk show interest in his handpicked words of wisdom as he calls them, and he is outright flabbergasted when they are willing to pay top dollar for the right combinations of seven words, though finding who wants which words is a tricky business.      Quick as the wind, the name of Thomas Fool bellows throughout the Kingdom of the Swords and the Fool is well on his way to his money. For now, he’ll settle for a peaceful night’s slumber at The Crescent Dragon, but he is determined to expose this Pirate King for the thief and fraud that he is.      On the other hand, is it wise to attempt to exact justice on a fleet of bloodthirsty pirates?      All this and more in The Fool and his Money — pre-order today and have your name immortalized in the Compendium of True Believers inside the game.

The Grand Prize Winners of The Third Annual April Fool’s Day Treasure Hunt Errand were not from Harvey Mudd College as some of you may be pleased to know. Submitting their entry at 4:40 PM on April 2nd, the winning team called themselves “1/2 of the Waterloo Crew” and were Bram Gruneir, Maria Mammoliti, and Micah Potechin, all from Canada, no less.      In Second Place, at 9:05 PM, was the renown Azose puzzle solving family, this year submitted by Mom Arlene Azose and 13-year-old son Aaron Azose. Historians may note that the Grand Prize winners of Year One included a Benj Azose and Year Two, a Jon Azose.      In Third Place, at 4:05 PM, April 4th, was Andy Boroson.      In Fourth Place, at 9:25 PM, April 4th, were Justin Carmical and Jennifer Carmical.      In Fifth Place, at 7:56 PM, April 6th, was David Rager who asked “Was your April Fool’s Day joke that you changed your mind about having an April Fool’s Day Errand?” and then added, “Assembling the map puzzle seemed too difficult a challenge to tackle. So I decided to write a program to assemble it instead, proving F.Y.I. there is only one valid way to assemble the map pieces so the puzzle contains the correct number and length of words.”

Special Recognition goes to Adam Kirkby and Varin’s Team who solved the whole affair eleven months ago, and, to Geoff Johns for deducing the answer without a map.      Those last two announcements deserve explanation, assuredly, something which I may indeed someday address. In the meantime, here’s that devilish map, solved.      Here’s hoping that Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is a Sleepy Hollow, not a Planet of the Apes.      Cinema Junkie

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