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Issue Fifteen December 2005 |
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©2005 by Cliff Johnson All Rights Reserved |
| The computer that beat me at chess... |
the officious newsletter of author Cliff Johnson | ... was no match for me at kick boxing. |
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>Take
One< A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue of the Netherlands flag to an American. “Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them.” The American nodded. “It’s the same in the United States only we see stars too!” >Take Two< A babysitter is a small child that has not learned to crawl or walk. A teenager is a person who acts like a baby when they aren’t treated like an adult. An adult is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. >Take Three< The 3 Stages Of Man 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. This year, airports are hanging mistletoe over the baggage check-in counters to afford you the opportunity to kiss your luggage goodbye. And then there’s the breakfast chef who insisted on shiny metal dishes to serve his renown Eggs Benedict, for everyone knows, “There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.” >Take Four< Last night I held a lovely hand, a hand so small and neat. I thought my heart would burst with joy, so wildly did it beat. No other hand unto my heart could greater pleasure bring Than the dear one that I held last night — four Aces and a King. >Take Five< Words that Ought to be Self-Evident Avoidable - What a bullfighter tries to do. Burglarize - What a crook sees with. Counterfeiter - A worker who puts together kitchen shelves. Handicap - A head cover that is easy to locate and wear. Polygon - A parrot that got away. >Take Six< If receiving this newsletter is as welcome as having the batteries in your iPod die during the first hour of your transatlantic flight to visit your relatives in the old country, click here to cancel. On the other hand, if Amanda Lynn, (a musical instrument), forwarded this newsletter to you and you wish to subscribe, click here. >Take Seven< The iconic plastic doll, Barbie, is often mutilated at the hands of young girls, according to research published Monday by British academics in London. “The girls we spoke to see ‘Barbie torture’ as a legitimate play activity,” said Agnes Nairn, one of the University of Bath researchers. “The types of mutilation are varied and creative, and range from removing the hair to decapitation, burning, breaking and even microwaving.” Researchers from the University’s Psychology Department questioned 100 children about their attitudes to a range of products as part of a marketing study. They found Barbie provoked the strongest reaction, with youngsters reporting “rejection, hatred and violence,” Nairn said. “The meaning of ‘Barbie’ went beyond an expressed antipathy; actual physical violence and torture towards the doll was repeatedly reported, quite gleefully, across age, school and gender,” she said. While boys often expressed nostalgia and affection toward GI Joe, renouncing Barbie appeared to be a rite of passage for many girls, Nairn said. “Whilst for an adult the delight the child felt in breaking, mutilating and torturing their dolls is deeply disturbing, from the child’s point of view they were simply being imaginative in disposing of an excessive commodity in the same way as one might crush cans for recycling,” she said. Manufacturer Mattel, which sells 94 million Barbies a year worldwide, could not care less. >Cut< >Print< |
“Shields?” the merchant yelped. “Shields, I could sell for scrap iron, but these are ancestral heralds, once very popular, and profitable, I can assure you. Now they are little more than extravagant kindling. I have one herald here worth absolutely nothing, and worse, I have six more that are actually worth less than nothing. Despite the fall of the High Priestess, her curse is still upon the Land, and no one is willing to invest in boasting their ancestry until the rumors and suspicions about the whereabouts of the Fourteen Treasures have been laid to rest.”
Quick to change the subject, the Fool offers to help the lanky merchant reorganize his inventory into ten unique groupings, valuing in price from 1 to 10 gold doubloons, to give the appearance that each and every column of heralds is a worthwhile purchase.
“What is the difference between ethical and unethical advertising?” poses Vilhjalmur Stefansson. “Unethical advertising uses lies to deceive the public. Ethical advertising uses the truth to deceive, instead.”
And then there’s pathologically optimistic advertising as well.
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Ever have
that nightmare where you’re back
in college and it’s the day of final
exams and you realize you haven’t
studied at all? In fact, you don’t
remember even attending a single class? You may have noticed that the countdown clock is frozen at 21 days. It is with a long sigh and a heavy heart that I must announce that The Fool and his Money is not yet ready for shipping. The bits and pieces and odds and ends of completing the game has pushed production, playtesting, and publishing into the New Year, significantly so. My production managers, Chicken Little and The Boy Who Cried Wolf, assure me that the final, absolute, no-fooling-around, drop-dead, unequivocal, categorical release date is ... well... elusive. To answer the question “Why is it taking so long?” look to Chapters 49-52 of my autobiography, respectively entitled, “The Fool Diligently Advertises his Own Folly,” “The Fool is a Man who is Wise Too Late,” and “Wise Men Make Proverbs, but Fools Repeat Them.” |
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To those
who are patient and understanding of my
struggle, I need say no more. |
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