>Take One<
     Ever notice...
     The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs?
     The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs?
     The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the bread?
     >Take Two<
     He went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?”
     She answered, “I’d tell you, but that would defeat the purpose.”
     (The book he was seeking was How To Write Good by Ben Dover. Some excerpts.)
          1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
          2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
          3. Avoid clichés like the plague.
          4. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
          5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary..
          6. One should never generalize.
          7. Be more or less specific.
          8. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
          9. Who needs rhetorical questions?
     >Take Three<
     A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey look, I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
     >Take Four<
     From Advertisements:
          Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
          We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
          Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
          Our hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
          We build bodies that last a lifetime.
          Man for hire, honest. Will take anything.
     >Take Five<
     Paul Lynde on Hollywood Squares:
          Host: Do female frogs croak?
          Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
          Host: When you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
          Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
          Host: According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
          Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.
          Host: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
          Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
     >Take Six<
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     On the other hand, if Claire Annette, (or any other woodwind instrument), forwarded this newsletter to you and you wish to subscribe, click here.
     >Take Seven<
     Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
     Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
     The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
     >Cut<
     >Print<

     The newsletter hiatus was intended to allow me more time to finish my elusive The Fool and his Money, but while watching Robert Altman’s “A Prairie Home Companion,” specifically the section with Woody Harrelson and John C. Reilly singing “Bad Jokes,” it got me to laughing and to thinking... in these “trying times of crisis and universal brouhaha,” what we need is more bad jokes... and hence, issue nineteen.
     For those of you who check my home page on a weekly basis, you’ve no doubt noticed that I have 178 of 197 total puzzles upgraded with the latest Director/Flash memory management falderal/folderol.
     The Finale is clearly in view!
     Naturally, the 19 remaining puzzles are the most tangled — my motto, always save the worst to last.
     And then the final beta test.
     And then to your doorstep in 2008.